History lesson....

Question?

Five ways to go down in history:
1. Assassinate someone.
2. Become the first non-white President of the US.
3. Dream big.
4. Throw your shoes at George Bush.
5. Score 100 points in one game and sleep with over 20,000 women. This guy did it.

I wonder if I could get a full-time job as a game show contestant.

This just in: Hitler is rated PG-13.

True Story

So just a few hours ago, I was sitting on the sofa watching TV (one of my many talents) and I hear the doorbell ring. So I get up and answer the door and some guy is standing there. He was wearing jeans and an Ed Hardy shirt (I hate those) and he had a black eye and a tattoo on his forearm. So I think to myself, "who is this jerkoff?" Then he starts to speak about how he's running for some community thing and he is trying to get votes, and the whole point of it is to get over his fear of talking to people. Then I ask how I vote and he says "it's a vote of confidence" (wtf?) and he pulls out a brochure of magazines that I can buy and I say no thanks. Then he asks me if I want to donate money to help children get books (I think that's what he said. I stopped listening once he pulled out the magazine brochure). After that he asks me if I do drugs and if I would do some with him (of course I have to supply the drugs). Then he punched me in the face, took my wallet, and ran away.

That last sentence was a lie but the rest of it was true. I wonder what he told the neighbors? At least he was more entertaining then those other people that just say they are selling magazines to raise money for ________ (insert generic organization). In conclusion, even though this guy was completely full of crap I still found him quite amusing.

How you like them apples?

Droppin' Bombs

Yo te quiero infinito.

So I've heard some complaints from those of you that read this blog (all 4 of you) about the posts or lack thereof. In an effort to write more interesting and informative (why are you looking here for information in the first place) blogs, I will indulge you in the adventures I have on a daily basis (here's a sneak peek). I really didn't want this blog to get personal, but what other choice do I have (I could write about gibbons). So in future posts be prepared to have your mind blown away by the most outlandish, unbelievable, indescribable, jaw-dropping, true stories from the life of Dirty Dan (most of it will be lies).

Five things that annoy me:
1. How my boxers bunch up when I put on pants.
2. Crying babies.
3. Inconsiderate people.
4. How I have to raise the volume on the TV all the way just to hear Rocky speak and then it cuts to commercial and the sound hurts my ears cause it's so loud.
5. Assholes.


"Ding Ding."

I have all the answers.

It's just one of those days.

Life doesn't get easier, we just get better at convincing ourselves that it does.

I wish I could do a back flip or dunk a basketball. I walk around all day wearing my ipod (so my life has a soundtrack). This is my idea of fashion.

May advice will save your life.

What would you do with a giraffe?

Your welcome. I wish I were a monkey, then I could just throw my crap at people who annoy me.

I wonder if I can take a punch. Sometimes I just want someone to punch me in the face to see how it feels.

Wouldn't it suck to have schizophrenia.

Some people never cease to amaze me. While others never cease to disgust me.

Wow the economy is in the toilet.

Things to consider as you try and cope with your lowly existence.

My life could be worse...

I could be you. I am just a lost soul swimming in a fish bowl. Smurfette. Every living creature on earth dies alone. You need to watch Donnie Darko.

Some things to consider while you try and get on with your day.

Blog Blog Blog

What's the point of a blog anyways (to meet girls?). Some people bear their souls in a blog where anyone can read it (even psychos with internet), others write what they do everyday (like anyone cares), and others have nothing better to do (don't judge me). I just find it fascinating that people have no problem telling the world all their personal problems and struggles (the internet is my only friend).

Do: Talk to strangers or else you won't meet anyone new.

Don't: Listen to me. I don't know what I'm talking about.